So Much Softer
by FlightWriter
Summary: Ginny battles through a metal hell, desperate to rid herself of deeply cut memories. Sort of a sequel to Healing. M for a reason, kids.


_**So Much Softer**_  
FlightWriter

**Author's Notes:**  
Rating: R for implied rape, sexual content, and just a screwed-up-in-the-head memory.  
Pairing: As before, HP/GW - only because I want to keep it true to inspiration. This wouldn't feel right with a slash couple, and H/G is, of course, my favourite het pairing. But, it was very important to me that this be kept true.  
Summary: Ginny battles through a metal hell, desperate to rid herself of deeply cut memories. Sort of a sequel to Healing. M for a reason, kids.  
On Flames: Please, please don't. I beg of you. Constructive criticism on the writing, fine. Reviews, even better. But this is far too close to home to tolerate flames.  
On Character: Yes, I _know_ it's OOC. It's not necessarily supposed to _be_ in their characters. You'll understand why later, I hope.  
Disclaimer: We all know that JKR owns the Potter universe.

Random: This is not a PWP. Also, Ginny's point of view was written quite a bit differently this time around. This one demanded to be written in first person, as well as present tense. Amazing the difference it makes. Damn. This was absolute, motherfucking hell to write. I hope it's as striking as it seems to be.

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I walk up to Harry slowly, crossing my arms and bowing my head.. I'm scared. Images are flashing across my eyes. God, I'm scared. But I have to do this. I walk slowly into him, and he wraps his arms around me.

"Ginny?" His voice in my ear. I look up into his eyes, tears flooding my own.

"Ginny, you tell me to stop and I will, okay?" I nod. "You're sure?" he asks me. I pause to think, trying to figure out what to say.

"Just be gentle," I whisper, looking down again. I can feel my head make contact with his chin, a small sign of his support, I think. Harry pulls his arms tighter around me, and I try not to shudder at the contact.

"Always," he whispers. Sooner than I expect, he starts laying me down on the bed behind me. God, it's happening. Already? Everything still seems fresh in my head, I don't know what to do…Damnit, I can't do this, I can't make him do this for me. But God, it's already happening.

He starts to touch me, just with fingertips. My forearms, my neck, my fingers, my jaw, my wrists. Only the readily accessible. My eyes flutter shut, I can feel my eyebrows knit. It's so much more gentle this time. Yes. So much softer. I feel his slightly chapped lips touch mine. I don't know what to do.

"Ginny?" he whispers. I feel his hot breath on my face and suppress a shudder. _He's trying to help._ After a moment, I respond to him, reaching up just enough. My face is still tense, my eyes still shut. I feel the fabric of my top slide down my arms, and goosebumps rise in an instant. His fingertips graze my flesh. So much softer. I still shudder, in spite of his more delicate touch. He doesn't move. I nod, and he understands. He continues to shed me of my clothes. The weight on the bed moves as he undresses himself. I am grateful. I'm trying so hard, and he understands. I'm taking deep breaths, trying to keep my hands still. God, how they twitch. I'm still so terrified. Scenes from…then…begin playing before my closed eyes, a neverending movie of which I have no control. It's haunting me. It has since it happened.

"Ginny, Ginny…_Ginny_," He whispers my name, over and over in the darkness, trying desperately to calm me. He takes me into his arms, embracing all of me at once. I can feel his soft skin on mine. Not sadistic. Not malevolent. Wonderful and perfect. Comforting. Harry. All the same, horrible scenes flash before my eyes. Horrible scenes that are paired with Harry's hair in the darkness, his softer touch, the way he says my name. The way he stays so still.

He lays on top of me, and I feel his arms sliding up beneath my shoulders. God, the warmth of his skin on mine. So much softer. My eyes are still shut. I can feel all his skin on mine. His arms are beneath me, in a close and intimate, _gentle_ embrace. God, he's being wonderful. I am stiff as a board, and one of his arms slides out from beneath me, caressing first my ribcage, then my side, down my leg. Slower, gentler. The muscles loosen. I don't know how long it takes. But he whispers my name a few more times. I swallow some air. One leg slowly turns, giving him some room. I can feel him inch closer towards my previously tortured core.

_No! Not again! _Flash. Bright, white light. I cringe.

"Wait," I whisper, not fast enough. Harry freezes, barely touching me. I'm shaking again. Absolutely _shaking._ I can't help it, I claw into him. It has to hurt. I can picture my knuckles turning white against his flesh, I can picture Harry gritting his teeth, taking the pain. I can't help it.

_It's going to happen again._ No. I make some expression, and try to tell him I just need to calm down. Only whimpers escape my lips. I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry. I bite my lip, feeling my shoulders shake against his pillows, fighting everything that was coming. I force myself to take a breath. My lower back falls into the bed again, releasing the tension that had built there. I pull him back down to me.

"Ginny, I can stop," he says. He sounds desperate. I don't know why.

"No," I gulp. I have to tell him. I need to. Into his ear, "I want to. I want to, I want to, I want to." _Can't you tell? I don't want to be scared of this forever. I want what we used to have. I don't want to lose that for the rest of time. I want to, Harry. I want to, I want to, I want to. Right? _Right. Breathe. Let him go.

"Okay," I said, and I can feel my neck seize, arguing what was coming out of my mouth. My eyes are still closed. I can feel their lids darting left and right, following the scenes of my memory.

I told him, a few days ago…

_God, Harry, it hurt so much. He was so rough. I was c-crying, and he wouldn't stop. I couldn't st-stand it. He had me pinned, I c-c-couldn't move, and it hurt so…__much__! It took forever, and I couldn't say a word…I didn't want to. I went over there to just talk, you know? I didn't want to d-do anything. I mean, he's my ex! I knew it would make things more difficult than they already are. I was there for an hour and he leaned over and just started kissing me, and I said we shouldn't…but he just kept going. He was so rough, it hurt s-so much, Harry…He was viscous. Violating. I can't even think. I mean, I'm not worth that amount of effort. I don't know why he'd w-want me back. But I can't. I can't go back to him. I never want to see him ever again. It still hurts, and I'm scared, and everything I thought I knew is wrong. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have gone over there. I should have just let everything go they way they have, everything was working fine. I'm not worth it. But god, it hurt. _

I couldn't tell him exactly what had happened minute by minute. Even though the idiot had tried. He wanted to know everything. No, I just told him that. I might tell him later. Maybe. If I can get past this. I have to get past this. He gives me another minute.

Harry bends forward, wrapping his arms around me again. He's kissing me deeper than before. He waits for me to answer, and I finally return the kiss, if not shyly. I relax a little, and he pulls back.

"Ginny?" he asks. I take a breath, and nod.

He takes his first attempt slowly, I can tell. But he knows exactly where he needs to go. This isn't our first time together. I wait for the pain. I wait as he slowly moves towards me. I wait.

I am not disappointed. My body rejects his, and I gasp at the sudden prick of pain. I go deaf, another world begins taking over. A dark world in which someone I once loved is hurting me, disgracing me, violating me. A world in which my pain is insignificant, because I am this man's slave of darkness, his toy, his accessory. I am pulled back into that world. I feel every moment of all the pain he'd ever given me. It's all rushing back, in that slight contact with Harry. But this other man's world is taking me over. All I can do is wait for the memories in my head to play before my eyes. And they do. _Horrors. Horrors you can't help._

"Ginny? You okay?" I can barely hear Harry in my ear.

I can hardly feel myself shake, I barely notice the moisture drip from my eye to my hair. I'm shaking my head vigorously, trying to dispel everything I'm seeing before me. Make it stop. No, make it go away. I can barely feel Harry pull me tighter to him, trying to stop this shaking.

_NO! Stop it! He's better than this! He's helping you! You STOP IT!_ I tell myself.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_," I repeat, over and over. Harry practically cradles me in his arm. 

"No," he says, "no, Ginny don't be sorry. I can stop, really, I can." My eyes snap, looking up at him. I can't let him stop now. I can't.

"No, Harry, I want to do this. I have to," I add, hoping to convey to him how important this is. He nods slowly.

"Okay," he says, and edges forward again, even more slowly. Damnit, the same thing happens. I almost burst into tears right then and there. God, it's going to hurt so much. Just like last time.

_NO!_ I try to help.

"I'm just…I'm just not relaxed-"

"No, you're not at _all_," Harry interrupts. Always forward. Well, it's the truth, isn't it?

"Just hold on a second," I say. I'm pretty sure he nods silently. Okay. Time to buckle down. I force a giant wave to wash over me, top to bottom. My face relaxes, my shoulders fall back, my back loosens and I focus on relaxing every muscle that my hips and legs posses. I feel myself open the metaphorical gates, and Harry edges forward. He kisses me again. I can feel it in his lips, how much he cares. How much he wants to help me. I can't tell him how much I love him for it. But I do.

Pressure builds as he continues his trek inside me. I can feel his eyes on me. I'm sorry. I can feel my muscles going at it again, before he was even half-sheathed. My body is pushing him back out. I'm sorry. I can't help it as I start to shake again. Damnit. I'm sorry. I open my mouth, and he kisses me before I can say anything. He's waiting. He's holding so still for me, waiting.

After what seems like hours, the door opens again and he treks on. I'm concentrating so hard, trying to stay relaxed enough for him to continue. I'm shaking internally, I can feel it. Pictures, flashes, light and sound. It's all rushing through my brain, telling me what happened just a week ago. My bones are rattling, my lungs are shivering. This is the shake of an anxiety attack. The shake no one should ever submit to. He can feel it, I'm sure. But I can't stop. He's still moving, and I wonder when it will end. Part of me doesn't want it to.

Finally, he freezes. It feels so wonderful, and so terrible. He's so much more gentle. So much softer. But still, as my mind wanders, my muscles contract around him. I can't help it. Physically, my body just does not want him there. But he remains still. For this, I am grateful. Sounds, light, flashes, and pictures. Everything at once. I think I'm crying again. I can't tell. He's staying inside me. I don't know how long has passed before my breathing slows back to its normal rate. I relax. I swallow and let out a soft whisper.

"Okay."

He backs out of me, and slides back in. Every now and then I shake again, but as Harry develops a rhythm, he starts to pick up a bit of speed. So far, so good. Flashes and light. Sounds and pictures. _No! Damnit, no! _It's going to happen again, it's going to hurt, he's going to hurt and rip and tear and cut and yell and scream and sweat and…

"_Harry, stop!"_ I hear my voice cut through the air. He freezes. I hadn't noticed how much I was moving, but now that he's stopped…I'm damn near thrashing about in my shaking, trying to escape the horror that is locked inside my head. Light. Sound. Flash. Image. I can't help it. I gasp for air, desperate for it to stop. My shoulders are thrown about as my head shakes back and forth. I can't help it. Make it stop, please!

"Ginny? Ginny, are you okay?!" I'm scaring him, I can hear it in his voice. He hugs me tightly to him, murmuring, "No, no, you're not, Ginny, you're not okay. Ginny, I can stop, just tell me to stop."

"No, Harry. No. I just-just…I don't know. Just give me a minute. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just so…confused," I know for sure I'm crying again. He's holding me.

"Don't be sorry," he whispers in my ear. He holds me for an eternity.

"Okay," I whisper, leaning up to kiss him again. I give myself a cleansing shake, and draw my fingertips up his sides. This is, after all, supposed to be a mutual activity.

"Move," I say gently. He is still buried inside me. Smoothly, he backs out and grinds his way forward. Sooner rather than later, though, he picks up his speed. I hear myself let out a few tiny gasps, as he moves his hips brusquely to get a new angle.

"Ginny?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay?" Pause.

"I think so," So quiet.

"I can feel your body moving towards me…" Harry whispers. I didn't even notice. I'm busy trying to forget. Maybe it feels better than I thought. I smile slightly against his skin. I know he knows.

"How does it feel, Ginny?" he asks me between movement.

"It feels…nice," I say. He nods. I want it to feel amazing, like how it used to. But I'm not so sure. He's so much more gentle. So much softer. He repositions again, going just a little deeper. I moan, and I don't think he can help himself, he's going just a little faster.

"God, Ginny, you feel so good, you're so tight," he whispers into my ear. Yeah, right. I have to resist rolling my eyes. Well, I'm glad he's enjoying himself. But wait…it did feel better than "nice." I force myself to bury the memories that had been running for the past half hour. I dig them a grave (if not a temporary one) and pat the dirt with a silver spade. With them out of the way, I can focus on how wonderful he felt. How much I really _was_ moving up to him with every thrust. I can focus on how much he fills me. And as I peek out from the eyes that have been shut this whole time, I can focus on how much he wants me, in one glance at his expression. I shut my eyes tight again, holding that image. I let out a gasp.

I could be wanted. I could be loved. It was allowed. I had to allow it to myself, that was all. I let out another gasp.

That was it. God, it felt so good. With every one of his thrusts, now, I tighten around him, releasing as he slid back out of me. Each time, tighter, and with each deep run of his, a little faster.

"Ginny…I'm…Ginny…." He was incoherent. God, it was hot.

I let out another whimper. One of the ones that I used to be a pro at. God, I was close, _so close_! He's holding me tighter, and I quiver in his arms, a good kind of quiver. He knows what this one means. Stars flow into the darkness that is my eyelids, as Harry brings me to a mind-blowing peak. I tense completely as I feel him prepare to explode into me. I rise to meet him once more, and I feel him push into me finally, holding us together.

"Ginny," Harry whispers after a moment, "you okay?" Pause.

"Y-yeah. I think so." I look up at him through the darkness.

"Thank you," I can do nothing more than whisper. He kisses me again before laying down beside me, pulling my still slightly quivering form into his arms.

I breathe slowly, as I realize that there is, indeed, life after the horrors I've lived through.

I can't thank him enough for being so much softer.

XXXXxxxxxxXXXX

I can only take credit for a horrible past, one that haunts a poor girl's mind to the point where she's crying alone at night because those she thought cared for her turned out to be the very cause of the events of this story.

I wanted to restrain myself from using typical M writing, you know, cock/pussy/fuck etc. I think it went over rather well. Just goes to show that not everything needs to be described in a typical manner to get a unique point across.

I can't convey with words how real this is. Harry and Ginny are mere names, just faces, assigned to a particular point in time burned forever in another, real-life girl's memory. I hope this touches you as much as it did me, because some people really are just this genuine, and will care enough to help us through the toughest events of our lives. You just need to know who these people are. Thank you, baby. I owe you everything.


End file.
